As I said in my last post, it took me a very long time after my break up to feel centred enough to even think about using my cards. Three months in fact. Those months were so clouded with pain and heartbreak, and it seemed that I was getting more and more lost in the fog as each day past. I had lost the man who I had thought I would spend the rest of my life with. And in such a way that I was left with so many unanswered questions.
I wonder, looking back, what cards would have called to me if I had done a reading sometime during that period. I bet you more then anything that The Empress would be among them 😝.
Come late July I was beginning to feel compelled to hold my deck in my hands again, I must have been healing, unbeknownst to me at the time, for I still felt as saddened as ever by the events of May. My soul’s call was answered one day at work, when a customer of mine brought out his deck to do a reading for a friend of his. This had never happened at work before, and it must have planted a seed in my mind, awaiting a little watering from the universe. That seed didn’t have to wait very long at all, for that evening my mother and I were watching an episode of a series we had started (Penny Dreadful I believe) and for the first time the main character brought out her own deck to do a reading. I thought to myself, ok universe, I’m going to take this as a hint that it’s time for me to jump back out there, and continue on the adventure I began in March.
So the next day after reading a few posts on the beautiful and inspiring Beth’s Little Red Tarot blog, I decided that it was time for me to pull a card, and see what the universe had to tell me. So I shuffled my deck and composed myself, opening to the knowledge I was about to receive, and lo and behold, The Empress was back to say hello.
I was so very confused, for I believed that she had been coming to me to tell me to look after my love, that my nurturing qualities were needed. All I could think of at the time was, wow, thanks tarot, way to hit me in the gut, I’ve lost my love, he was who I nurtured and gave my all, what could you possibly be telling me now. I decided to think on it for a day or two, and still I was lost and confused, and missing my love more then I had for some time.
I then stumbled on an interesting spread on Beth’s blog entitled, “Find your mojo”. It was calling to me loud and clear, so I dropped everything and picked up my deck to begin. You guys are probably getting sick of this, but guess what happened next. The first card I drew was my lovely friend The Empress. Not only that but she came up in the first position (representative of my lost ‘mojo’). All I could do was laugh, I think I may have actually even said out loud, duh, of course your lost, you went away with my love. Luckily, only my cat was in my room so I didn’t feel like too much of a fool 😝. But as the next two cards were revealed, I was starting to get a clearer picture.
Position 1: Major – Here’s your mojo, hiding. (The Empress)
Position 2: Minor – Here’s what’s getting in the way. (Nine of Swords)
Position 3: Minor – Here’s your solution. Do this now! (Three of Pentacles)
When I drew the Nine of Swords it was as if a weight was suddenly lifted off of my shoulders. It’s funny, because you would think it would be simple to realise that all the worry, pain and regret I had been feeling over the last three months was what was blocking my innate Empress-y energies, but it wasn’t until now that I realised that I needed to do something about it.
Like the angel on the card I was feeding the pain with my thoughts, not conciously or directly but I know I was. I am the type of person who doesn’t like the idea of hiding away from emotions, if I’m feeling something, it’s out there on display, but from this experience I have realised that that’s all well and good, but as soon as you start to feed your feelings with obsessive thoughts, it can definitely cause a downwards spiral. Notice the tattooed swords on his chest, I see them as an outward expression of how his internalised regrets are taking a toll. All his worrying has gotten so strong that they are literally forming a permanent mark on his body. Like him this had happened to me, albeit in a less glamorous way. I had lost 8kg, which for me, weighing in at a measly 56kg previous to the breakup, was a huge thing. The pain, worry and regret was definitely getting too much!
So what was my solution…the Three of Pentacles. Teamwork. The manifestation of a goal.
I saw this as two things. The first being that I shouldn’t shy away from allowing others to take some of the load. During the first month or so post breakup I was spending a lot of time talking about my feelings and thoughts with my mother and a lovely guy at my work. This was really helpful to me, but for some reason I started to think that if I kept talking about it it would never go away. So I stopped. This was a bad decision and only made things worse. Thank you tarot for telling me that it was ok to do what I was doing. Reaching out to others is not failing. Teamwork for the win 😃.
And secondly, seen as it is a Pentacle card, grounded and practical, it brought to mind my Personal Trainer and I. Post breakup I decided to join a gym, I had been working out consistently at home before the breakup and was thinking of joining a gym, but just hadn’t got around to it. For the first month or so I was so very pumped, it was one of the only times when I wasn’t thinking of my ex love. But I was starting to plateau and feared that I might give up. This reading made me squash that fear, and coming from where I am now, I am so very happy that the Three of Pentacles was the card in position 3.
So in order to start feeling like myself again, my loving, nurturing Empress-y self, I needed to try and let go of the pain and regret, for truly there didn’t seem to be a time in the near future where I was going to be able to talk it out with my ex love. And to help me along the way I needn’t fear the help of others. Sometimes we can’t do it all by ourselves…
Until next time,